Are any of you out there facing an empty nest in the near future? It’s so weird. You’ve spent countless years as Mom and Dad, and now, it’s just the two of you–like the beginning, only you’re older, wiser…and maybe a wee bit more crotchety :)? I kind of knew this was coming last year, so I set a plan in motion to help ease the transition. It involves me having projects…lots and lots of projects {read: distractions}.
Aline from facebook shared an article from the New York Times recently about life after raising children. The author talks about facing her new identity. For 30 years, her primary association with herself was as a mother…now, as she faces her last child transitioning into adulthood, she wonders what it means for her. In the end, she puts a positive light on the whole subject, offering empty nest-ism as a chance to redefine yourself in a completely new light, unrestricted by dependents. I could totally identify with her sentiments, though. I’ve been a “mom” for so long, I am having to find new ways to occupy my time.
In case you’re finding yourself in the same boat, here are a couple of tips to combat the downsides of empty nest syndrome:
- Renew or make new friendships. Plain and simple, this is a time to find deep, noncompetitive friendships that will sustain you through your quiet days. Plan a weekly meet-up for coffee–like your own personal playdate.
- Dive into new hobbies or spend more time on old ones. Travel has ALWAYS been important to me, and I plan on continuing to make it my focus.
- Date your spouse. Raising kids is nutso sometimes, and that person you agreed to go through life with sometimes doesn’t get the attention they deserve. Now you’re really in together, though, in a quiet house with the rearing complete. Get to know each other again. Go to the movies, go out to dinner, go for walks in the evening…whatever.
- Let guilt go. When the days are quiet and the stresses are gone, it’s easy to obsess about all of the things you could have done differently…or more of, but what’s done is done. Worrying about it simply won’t change it. Let it go, my friends, let it go.
- Go back to school. Maybe you never finished your degree, or you would like to make a career change and couldn’t because of the kids. Now you can. On the upside, you are already really good at buying school supplies and checking homework :).
- Establish new traditions with your adult children. They maybe gone and living life, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t still a piece of them. Host monthly Sunday dinners if they are close, visit them often, or plan a weekly phone call/email session.
- Embrace the silence. I bet you a million bucks that no less than once a week when the kids were home you wished for silence. Now you have it. Don’t feel bad. You’ve earned it. You’ve done your time. Incorporate R&R into the day.
- Exercise. Exercise is a pretty solid suggestion to whatever you’re facing as long as you are able. It releases those feel-good hormones.
- Make new goals. This is not the end. It’s the beginning–and with us all living waaay longer, we hopefully still all have several decades of quality living. Sit down with your spouse and decide what your goals together will be…retire in the Florida Keys, travel, buy a cabin?
- Still a couple of years away from an empty nest? Plan now. Make the most of the final years your kids are at home. Spend quality time. Send them off knowing them fully. Make plans for when they do leave–you’re not wishing them gone, you are preparing.
Any empty-nesters out there? I know you have tips…make sure to leave them in the comments.
Good luck, fellow empty-nesters.
~Mavis
This post may contain affiliate links. These affiliate links help support this site. For more information, please see my disclosure policy. Thank you for supporting One Hundred Dollars a Month.
Jen Y says
I looked forward to the empty nest with anticipation. I did my best to cherish my days of raising my son & I wanted to do the same after he left home. ……Oh my, it is so much harder than I expected it to be. :o( My son graduated in 2011, moved out in June 2013 & got married in Oct. 2013 so in a few short months I went from the empty nest to being a mother-in-law! My solution – get a dog. ;o)
Seriously, I started working on #’s 1 & 2 when my son was still in high school. Renewing old friendships & making new ones have been the best thing for me. I was unprepared for how much I would miss my son. Having a daughter-in-law & needing to consider another whole family has made making new traditions a little difficult but it’s also something we’re working on.
This is such a good thing to talk about early on. I have a few friends whose lives totally fell apart when this happened. It’s ok to admit how hard it is, how much you miss your kids but we need to remember that we always love our kids more than we love our parents & so will they. You truely do have to choose to step back, let go of them, let go of things & turn to other people & things to fill your time….if you want your children to have healthy relationships as they move into adulthood themselves.
My favorite thing about the empty nest – dating my husband again! We eat what we want, spend our money only on us, vacation where & how we want, sleep in or go to bed early with no worries. There is a lot to appreciate about slowing down & being alone again.
Jenny says
There is always volunteerism. There are always places looking for skills no matter what. For example, we live in a rural area and all our local parks are maintained by volunteers. The flowers and planting beds are taken care of by our garden society. Our foster care system is looking for people to teach basic parenting classes. Like how to give a bath to a baby, how to deal with toddlers and the like. My husband works for a Healthcare Facility and they have a man that comes and gives popcorn out Thursday afternoons. The residents line up for Popcorn with Bob. They get a bag of popcorn and he sits and listens to them tell their stories.
Kate in NY says
My eldest just left for college 2 weeks ago and I am seriously bereft. Even though I still have 3 at home and the youngest is in the 6th grade, I know those years will fly and I am grieving the days of being a young mom with a full nest. I know I am happiest when I have goals for myself (one of the reasons I love this blog so much) – so I am trying to get all gung-ho about them. But I am also giving myself time to just be a little sad and contemplative. Since one of our 4 is adopted (from Ethiopia), I have had the good fortune over the years to get to know many families who decided they loved raising kids so much that they were going to put off the empty nest as long as possible by adopting children. I am going to let myself sit with my feelings for a while, but my husband and I agree that if we find that we truly are happier when the house is noisy and bustling (it’s been that way for so long that we can’t imagine anything else), then we will just – – – start again (not with babies, but with younger children – maybe siblings). That is comforting to me.
Vicki says
Mavis, I know you will miss your daughter. Keep busy. More so than usual! Find new interests.Spend more time with the HH. Some of my friends empty nest syndrome didn’t last long.A lot of my friends are in their 40”s and I’m 56. We all have older parents, some of their parents have moved in with them. The kids moved out parents moved in. In some cases retirement communities were too expensive, Mom or Dad can’t live on their own because of money,but is still active! When Hubby’s Mom needed to move closer the house across the street came on the market so we bought it. Mom feels independent and she’s close! My parents are 5 minutes away. My son even though he’s in his 30’s is always in and out. My husband has a big family, we have lots of family get togethers. Even though we have an empty nest it feels full! We enjoy it!
Robin says
My only 2 children have BOTH finished school (one high school and the other college) on the SAME day. My oldest has been living with us throughout college, so reality kind of hit us hard. To know they are both about to leave, one for college and the other “because I’m a big boy now” is leaving me with a feeling of impending doom I really don’t know how to handle all of these “wonderful times” having this all happen at one time. Feeling lost
Mavis Butterfield says
Oh Robin… that is going to be hard. 🙁
Kellie says
I got busy. Work, pets and a few new farmstead projects keep me very active. No time for loneliness. I see my children as often as I can.