A couple of years ago, I came across an article on treehugger about how certain parenting styles lead to more materialistic adults. I naturally clicked over, because hey, I wanted to know what sort of gluttonous parenting was causing a spike in materialism in the later years. Honestly, I was a little bit shocked to read the three parenting tactics that were supposedly leading to the need for grown children to surround themselves with stuff:
They were:
- “Using gifts as a reward when children have accomplished something, such as good grades or making a team.”
- “Giving gifts as a way of showing affection.”
- “Taking away gifts or favorite toys as a way to punish children.”
I have honestly done all of these at some point in my tenure as a parent. Every. Single. One. I mean, Christmas and birthdays pretty much embody #2. I have taken away video game privileges and cell phone privileges. I have rewarded the kids with this or that for this or that.
It got me thinking, did I just send my kids speeding down a one way street to their debut on Hoarders? Ultimately, I think the answer is NO. I don’t think those actions alone lead kids into a pattern of over-consumption. I think consumerism is inherently built into our culture. We are encouraged to go forth and spend our almighty dollar. By in large, we don’t know what else to do with our time and money, except spend it on stuff. So, while I did use the stuff as parenting leverage, I’d like to hope that I also taught them the value of the work they put in to earn a dollar…and that I gave them ways to fill their time with activities instead of stuff. I’d like to hope that I balanced it all out with teaching them to be grateful for what they HAVE and not what they DON’T have.
It is easy to blame parenting for everything that goes wrong with us as adults, but I think in this case, the blame needs to be more broadly shared. Our over-materialistic tendencies comes from our economy requiring us to be in a state of constant growth and consumerism. We have learned to use stuff as a distraction to feeling bored, depressed, etc. Commercials convince us we will feel a certain way if we buy a certain thing. We are constantly bombarded with the latest and greatest stuff.
I guess my takeaway from the article is that the underlying cause of materialistic adults goes much deeper than three little parenting tactics. What do you think? Would changing these three parenting strategies change the product, or does the problem go deeper?
~Mavis
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Carla says
Seriously that is just stupid. You show your children by example also. The article was very shallow IMHO. I think the media plays into this in a big way and also people who have to “keep up with the Jones”.
Kristal says
I have done all three at some point. But I don’t think these things in themselves create a materialistic mindset. I think all three are okay, as long as you are also teaching gratitude and the value of people over possessions. Just my opinion.
Drea says
I had done all three at times, but I also teach them moderation and earning it. I also have a rule of one toy in/ one you out. On the opposite, I have seen people that reward their kids all the time. Every time they go to store the kids get a toy. The kids have so may toys the spare room is their toy storage area. Of course I have seen a similar report that doing three with food makes kids fat.
Marnee Monczko says
The title caught my attention, but the article did not do enough that could evoke a discussion to the question “underlying cause of materialistic adults goes much deeper than three little parenting tactics”.
My thoughts are my concerned with the poorly written article that has the attention grabbing title…
big topic needs more substantial information:)
Hope to see more on this topic, so don’t give up on it.
Brianna says
I think kids are taught to be materialistic by their parents and peers. We live in a super snob Stepford wife neighborhood and kids drive new BMW’s to school and have everything. I’m amazed how much of ‘everything’ sits idle in their yard. My kids would love any and all of it, but they know we cannot afford it and they can try to earn it if they want to save up. By the time they save up a few dollars, they usually no longer want it anyways. The parents are bad too, always swapping out expensive handbags, Lululemon outfits, $1000 strollers, leasing the latest and greatest cars, expensive pampering sessions, fake tan, nails, hair, etc. The parents are conveying the wrong message to the kids and the kids think that is how to live. If we reward our kids, it is usually for an experience…..to go camping, decorate a cake, go to the range, spend 1 on 1 time with a parent. I also try to be unpredictable and not conditioning, so my children never throw a fit for candy or something in a store. I am honest and let them know it isn’t in our budget for something. They are also good at deciding which toys to consign or donate.
Amy says
The author of that article needs to read “The Five Love Languages”.
For some people, gifts speak love more than kind words or words of appreciation. My love language is not gifts, but I often give little things, treats, to my children especially as a thank you – it’s rarely anything big – it might be a small piece of chocolate, it might be a sheet of stickers or a pack of crayons, a second helping of dessert, or a card that says thankyou for being extra helpful, etc… in the end, it isn’t really the *stuff* when it’s done that way, it’s something tangible. Children are tactile by nature, so they love to touch, hold, whatever… it speaks to them more than just the words said.
Sure, you can spoil kids by giving them tons of stuff – anything can be done to an extreme… but if it’s just a little something, they feel appreciated and loved, and it’s a nice feeling to give them something as a simple thankyou.
I have a large family and we speak love in many languages – honestly, children need to “hear” love in every “language” as they are growing up – I develops them into giving, loving young adults, adults, and elderly adults 🙂 they give words of affirmation freely, they give willingly/ share of their own abundance, they are happier and more positive examples of productive and healthy people. We all appreciate being told “thank you” or “good job” or “I love you” – sometimes it’s nice to hear the words, sometimes it’s nice to have something to look at to remind of the sentiment shared… sometimes just the memory alone is more than enough.
Love is important in every language 🙂 and no, I don’t think gifts given because we want to (not out of any sense of obligation or guilt) are harmful. I do think that the person who wrote that article probably does not understand that different things speak love to different people. Something as simple as wrapping a cookie in a special napkin and drawing a heart on it can speak volumes to someone whose love language is gifts, and make them feel special all day. Some of my children are predominantly gifts “love language” kids 🙂 it never needs to be overdone, it doesn’t need to be expensive or big – it just needs to speak to the heart.
Amy says
Can I add to previous comment? Punishment should “fit the crime” – we do take away things if they are being misbehaved with… regardless of if they were gifts or not. Of course, unless it is a significantly repeated offense, they can earn things back after, either by good behavior or time or whatever suits the situation… just because something was a gift does not make it sacred. ON the same token, we should not use things as manipulators or controls. It all comes back to making sure the “punishment” or consequence fits the situation. When done that way, *things* are not used as “weapons” or are taken at random, leaving children without a solid footing to know what the ground rules are.
Kris says
I like this article and and your take on it . In this house I don’t feel like our kids are materialistic. They get what they need, more often even used. From US.
I also don’t think they have really needed a punishment enough to take away a favorite toy, exactly. However, we will tell them no kindle or ipod for awhile if their focus on things like school work or chores is off. I don’t feel like we call it a punishment. Just time to focus.
Yes, we go big at Christmas.
Yes, we get them an end of school year, “you worked hard this year” gift or treat (usually a movie). You don’t get a reward for showing up and doing good.That is expected. We talk about work. Hard work. We talk about money.
This house is not materialistic.
Now, what we struggle with is things like 3 kids that received in total 15-18 Easter baskets. Yep, 6 per kid. That is hard to rationalize. To me and them.
So, we do fine. It’s the other influences! Ha!
But, yes, it is completely 100% opposite for so many other people we know.
Jen Young says
I think if you give gifts EVERY single time your child accomplishes something,
that it’s the ONLY way you show affection & taking gifts away are the ONLY way you punish……then yes, I can see how this would develop into materialistic adults.
But who parents that way? Most of us DO use all three of these but not exclusively & not all the time. It’s one thing to show affection by giving gifts on birthdays & Christmas. It’s another altogether by giving a gift every time you go to the store.
Leslie H. says
I think these practices are a problem if they are the ONLY way you show approval, disapproval, love and affirmation. And more important than if you treat your children this way, is if YOU live this way. If you always need rewards to do the right thing; if you need gifts to feel loved; if you equate the removal of material good as punishment…then, Houston, you have a problem, and you’re going to have kids that have problems.
Lynda says
I would want to tell Treehugger that the most powerful “parenting tactic” is example, whatever the habit or vice.
The effects of the three tactics they list can actually be quite positive, depending on the degree to which they are used, and the spirit in which they are administered.
Then too, even if we avoid materialism at home, our kids can still buy into it (!) through the media tsunami, friends’ influences, or a host of other sources, including a bent towards excess we all experience at times.
Vy says
I am trying to teach my kids delayed gratification, taking a step back and thinking before you buy is a dying art! Can you get it cheaper? Can you use something else? Still want it, now let’s earn it!