I was in the grocery store yesterday waiting in line at the checkout. The guy that got in line behind me {with just a basket, not a cart} scooched in oddly close to me–like there is “I’m in a line close” and “I could feel this guy’s breath on my neck close.” I was stuck too–I couldn’t create any distance between us because there was someone in front of me. The longer I stood there, the more I wanted him out of my personal bubble. I don’t think I have ever had anyone do that–which I am pretty sure is because there is some sort of unspoken rule about how much distance you put between yourself and the next person in line–like a personal bubble courtesy.
I high-tailed it out of the grocery store and when I was still thinking about it later that night, I decided to see if there actually ARE “rules” for personal space. {Read: I wanted to know if I should just chill out a bit, or if this guy was a weirdo.} Guess what? There actually are some standard rules of comfort as far as people’s personal bubbles go.
Here’s what I found:
Anthropologist Edward T. Hall studied personal space in the 1960’s and came up with four different levels for varying situations:
“Intimate distance – 6 to 18 inches
This level of physical distance often indicates a closer relationship or greater comfort between individuals. It often occurs during intimate contact such as hugging, whispering, or touching.Personal distance – 1.5 to 4 feet
Physical distance at this level usually occurs between people who are family members or close friends. The closer the people can comfortably stand while interacting can be an indicator of the intimacy of the relationship.Social distance – 4 to 12 feet
This level of physical distance is often used with individuals who are acquaintances. With someone you know fairly well, such as a co-worker you see several times a week, you might feel more comfortable interacting at a closer distance. In cases where you do not know the other person well, such as a postal delivery driver you only see once a month, a distance of 10 to 12 feet may feel more comfortable.Public distance – 12 to 25 feet
Physical distance at this level is often used in public speaking situations. Talking in front of a class full of students or giving a presentation at work are good examples of such situations.”
This guy was definitely teetering on being in my “intimate distance” category. And while I did find out that different countries have varying degrees of spacial needs, I also decided that the bottom line is that I need a lot to feel comfortable.
How much personal space do you need? Is it different depending on WHERE you are, say the grocery store versus baseball stands at your kids’ games?
~Mavis
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Sarah says
I feel your pain! I have issues with anyone being too close to me, with the exception of my kids. Even my spouse unnecessarily invades my personal space sometimes.
I was in line at Barnes and Noble this past holiday season and while I expected long lines and a lot of people, I got more that I bargained for in line. The woman behind me was so close that her feet kept bumping me heels and I could feel her breathing on me. We were roughly the same size and height, so I couldn’t figure out why she was so close to me. Other people in line were spaced nicely apart, but not the 2 of us. Every time I moved, she moved, whether it was to turn sideways and keep her at bay with my shoulder or to try to scoot up a little so that I wouldn’t scream and freak out. She kept touching me though and it took all I had to hold it together.
I think maybe some people just don’t have a sense of what a good amount of personal space is.
Mavis Butterfield says
I would have totally freaked out and said something. Gaaaaaa
randi says
I can totally relate! When in China a few years ago (BTW Amazing baby bok choi for b’fast!!!) the personal space there is SOOO close it is nerve wracking! I guess because there are a kabillion Chinese they don’t notice being in close quarters but this American was uncomfy.
There is a funny Seinfield episode on the ‘close talker’ funny!
Kristina Z says
I think your response would be fairly common amongst Americans. I’m pretty sure there are cultural differences in this metric, too. Different cultures seem comfortable with different “space bubbles”. Perhaps this is why very small children also seem to be more likely to invade a stranger’s personal space. Personally, I’ve got your regular sort of North American space bubble — 3+ feet away from me is best while waiting in line.
Julie says
Hmm, I think arms length is a good distance for me. Since I’m claustrophobic anyone standing close enough I can feel their breath is asking for a karate chop.
Judy C says
Stranger breath on the neck is wayyy too close. He was a weirdo for sure.
Teckla says
I need more distance. And to have a stranger crowding and touching me would make me want to give them a PUSH! Different situations vary some, but I like my personal space! The other pet peeve I have in grocery stores are the people who practically push you through the line and start putting their groceries on the belt almost before you are finished, or when you put the bar after your things, they push it and your groceries to make space. GRRRRRRRH!
PeggyK says
Boy did you hit that one o the head. I hate carts touching me and people crowding me to move forward when the person in front hasn’t finished their transaction or loading everything into the cart. I have gotten more assertive and probably not nice when I turn and say ‘Please give me some space. Thanks.’ They don’t like it but oh well.n
Cecily says
I know how you feel. I have social phobia so sometimes a person can be at the other end of the grocery aisle and I can’t go down it. I usually shop early in the morning to avoid people. I have had panic attacks in crowded restaurants, fainted in line several times and I can’t answer the telephone unless it is my husband, mother or sister. I sometimes panic even when my husband hugs me. I feel anxious just thinking about the situation you described.
Tra says
That’s happened to me before. If it’s so close that it makes me uncomfortable, I do something about it. Tried and true methods I’ve used include taking half a step backwards, swinging my purse over my shoulder, or putting my hand on my hip and turning sideways to lean on my cart. I figure that if they are so close to me that I hit them, they kind of deserved it.
Debbi K. says
I seem to be a magnet for these people. I’ve developed a technique that usually works. I drop my wallet or sunglasses or grocery list then step backwards (on their feet) and then mumble an apology. They usually realize “this is my dance space, this is your dance space” (Dirty Dancing reference) and back off.
Carol says
While looking them in the eye, say “excuse me, please move back.” Unless they have no social manners at all, they will move. If not, then you are allowed (my rules) to move your elbow or purse or shopping cart into striking range.
Linda says
LOL!! I couldn’t help but laugh when I read your post!! I have SUCH an issue with personal space and my husband is always picking at me when I comment that someone was “so in my bubble!!!” There is a lady at the church that I attend that doesn’t seem to know about “personal space” at all. When she’s talking to me she is wayyyyy too close – I find myself stepping back, but she just steps forward with me. I lean back, she leans forward. My husband says it’s like watching a dance!!! He truly gets a charge out of it because he knows I am about to freak.
April Myers says
Sounds like something out of an episode of Seinfeld. Let’s call that guy Kramer.
Preppy Pink Crocodile says
Years ago (like almost 20- ha) when I was going through Freshman Recruitment for Sororities, at one house this girl had no sense of personal space. She would inch up to me and I would inch backwards…until I hit the wall. We started in the middle of the big room. Ha.
At grocery stores, I tend to do this thing where I stand with one food sort of in back of me- so my toes are touching the ground but the heel is up. Does that make sense? It’s a normal way to stand- with your foot behind you. But I do it specifically to sort of mark my space. It really does help- most of the time. It gives you an extra few inches buffer behind you.
KK @ Preppy Pink Crocodile
PattyB says
I think I would have “accidentally” stepped back and stepped on his foot. Wearing heels would have been all the sweeter! Then just said “oopsie!”
Michele says
Ugh, your post brought back terrible memories for me. Eight years ago when I was pregnant with my youngest, I had this total creeper guy behind me in line at Safeway. He had tried to talk to me in the produce department about my pregnancy and I felt icky about him. He then got in line behind me and stood so close that I thought I was going to scream. I bent over to pick grab an item that dropped on the floor and he rubbed himself against me. I freaked out and yelled that he was a sicko! The manager came over and took the creeper to another line.
I now stand in front of my basket giving myself plenty of space between myself and the person in front of me.
Mavis Butterfield says
Oh that is awful. 🙁
Pam says
Checkout lanes are like cattle chutes IMO – just asking for space related issues. I spent many years working for a major grocery chain and can tell you some stories that would curl your hair. When I get a “blanket” behind me (trying to cover my butt….lol) I don’t hesitate to step back on their feet or turn quickly for a Snickers bar and catch them with my elbow. But Michele mentioned the best defense – simply stand in front of your cart instead of behind it. That way you can control the space between you and the person in front of you and have the cart to block behind you.
Kari says
This is exactly what I do. This way, I have control of the situation. There are times though when all I’ve had was a basket. In those instance, I whip that basket back or take a big step backwards and look at them straight in the eyes and say “you’re way too close for comfort”. If they’re not too embarrassed to be in my bubble, I’m not too embarrassed to whack them.
Katy says
I would not “bump” this person with my purse, as this could be misconstrued as an invitation for sticky fingers to find my wallet or phone. I do not hesitate to “accidentally” step on toes or send an elbow to the gut. My “apology” is a sweet “Oh, I didn’t realize you were so close.”
Susan says
I need a LOT of personal space. It really bothers me when someone jumps to the check writing area before you finish your transaction. Like you are standing there and they practically bowl you over!
I have a big problem with someone too close behind me walking into stores, etc. I have to stand to the side to let them pass.
cathy says
People are so self absorbed it doens’t occur to them to give others breathing room. One time a lady hit me with her grocery cart while I was in line checking out. I made some sort of loud noise and then seeing I had everyone’s attention, I said I had just had surgery. Which wasn’t true, but I was so mad. Now I get in front of the cart when unloading groceries and use it as my ‘wall’.
Butterflyweed says
I have no problem at all just turning and telling them they are standing too close. Some from other cultures may just need to be told the “American Way”. Others are creeps or socially inept or just not paying attention. Let them know! Why are so many women so polite while some stranger is making their skin crawl? Own your space and be proud!
Beckybeq says
Anxiety here too, so I tend to like more personal space, about arm length. (But I wear a 34-35″ sleeve, so that’s a lot!)
This is one of the things I am *constantly* working on with my 15 year old son. He has autism and either doesn’t “get” personal space, or he gets so distracted he tends to inch up on people. Normally just a “hey, personal space” reminder gets his focus back.
Kamiko says
my spine was snapped in two in 2004, and i have had a few too many stand too close and poke me in the back, which irks me to no end. i am all too happy to turn around and give them a piece of my mind. I started riding a scooter around the stores after the last time i was jabbed hard with a cart in the back, because i have a paralysis from the waist down, and you would be surprised how rude people are when they see a disabled person. they try to push you along, poke you with their carts, make horrible noises.
Christine says
I’m reminded of my adventures with line etiquette during a 4 month stay in China some years ago. I was at a library, waiting in line to apply for a library card. In my mind I was very close behind the person in front of me (1.5 feet?) To my surprise, someone came along and slid in between me and the person in front! I guess I just wasn’t standing close enough…
Karen at A Glimpse Into My Reveries says
I have a personal space bubble that’s always being intruded! I am claustrophobic and will not check out in isle that are cattle chutes! In fact, I stopped shopping Kmart for that very reason. My youngest (adult) daughter also has space issues and she does not hesitate to tell people ” Bubble, you’re in my bubble) holding her arms out in a circle. People blink a few times them back up. She says it such a funny way no one takes offense.
I live near Blaine, right on the US-Canadian border and can always tell nationality by how close they stand in lines and follow you with their cart! They are so bloody rude!
Yes, I have a space issue and no, I don’t intend on working on it! Back off or suffer the consequences of pissing off a red head!
Holly says
I also like my personal space. I too unload my grocery cart with it behind me. In a line, like at a concession stand, I’ll extend my foot out so a person standing too close would literally have to step on my foot to get too close. Still happens, though! Usually people back off but I have had to “accidentally” back up or swing my purse and whoops! bump into someone 🙂
gc says
Yuk! My friend at the bank told me not to let anyone get too close while entering my pin, then they’ll steel your purse in the parking lot. Since then twice I’ve turned and said “excuse me, my pin number is private”. The first time I received a shocked “I’m so sorry” and plenty of space. The next lady got all huffy puffy and went to the another line (and then I paid cash). Why else would you be standing that close to a stranger? I also have reminded my kids to step back so they can pay, and have gotten a few thank yous. I don’t want your nose in my wallet, keep a cart length between us, even if you don’t have one!
Kari says
Mavis, many soldiers also require this personal space due to the trauma they’ve gone through during deployments. Some don’t do well in crowded rooms much less someone being in their bubble. We need to give everyone their space. Pushing the person in front of you won’t make things go faster but it could win you a one way ticket to the ER. Back up and wait your turn.
Jeanne says
I too can not stand people in my space. Just today it happened twice. the guy was breathing down my neck, I said excuse me as I was trying to put in my pin # , I was still trying to pack my groceries and he was getting even closer. I made a comment and said can’t you wait 5 Seconds, He replied all you have to say is excuse me I said I did but you came even closer He went on and incensed that I had the nerve to say something. I said a few choice words and left. then I went into a Bakery and went to pay and boom I poked this guy in the belly. He everyone the then proceeds to tell me I need to keep wings in. It also escalted. I’m not sure what is going on in today’s society. I give everyone their personal space why is it so hard for some people to give me mine. Thoughts anyone?