Well, we survived the most controversial Presidential election in the social media age, and many didn’t come through unscathed. Many friendships were ruined, rifts in families were created, and divorces even occurred {seriously!}. But it’s not just about politics. I’m starting to think we no longer know how to disagree with others, or we are now of the belief that disagreeing with others is a bad thing.
Our country has survived, thrived really, for hundreds of years with a whole mess of differing beliefs, opinions, ideals. Why now does it suddenly seem like continuing that tradition is an impossibility? Is it because of social media? Are those differences more vocalized now? Is it easier to disagree {often times harshly} with others from the safety of a keyboard? Does the shield of a screen somehow embolden people and cause them to speak their true feelings or does it cause them to be harsher than they otherwise would?
I don’t think people treated each other with kid gloves before the internet age, but I do think we were kinder, gentler with our disagreements. So the question becomes, how do we disagree? How do we deal with people whose opinions differ from our own? How do we kindly treat one another when we think their ideas are nuts and they are dead wrong? How do we deal with people who think THEIR opinion is the RIGHT {and only} opinion and won’t stop complaining or badgering or trying to convert you to their way of thinking? How do we disagree in a digital age?
I certainly don’t have all the answers, so I’m super curious to hear from you. To me it seems simple.
1. Determine Your Deal Breakers: I’ve come to my opinions based on my experiences, my research and my upbringing. I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you have, too. It’s okay if your opinions are different than mine, and we can go on co-existing and being friends and hanging out, as long as those opinions aren’t deal breakers for me. My definition of a “deal breaker” might be drastically different than yours. Maybe you can’t stand people who like the color red. I mean, it might make for a sad existence and a small social circle, but if that’s where you draw the line and it makes you enraged each time you are around a red-loving person, make that your deal breaker. Of course, deal breakers are normally much more serious, but I hope you get my point. Basically, know your limits. But also remember that it is sometimes really refreshing to be around people who disagree with you, so don’t make that your deal breaker. Some of my greatest life experiences have occurred surrounded by people of differing beliefs and opinions.
2. Be Kind Regardless: If you’ve spent your life championing a certain cause, chances are, you aren’t going to be besties with someone who has spent their life championing the opposite. That’s okay. You can still be civil to each other. You can despise everything someone stands for and vehemently disagree with them, but that doesn’t mean you need to be cruel. It accomplishes nothing, and chances are, you won’t feel better at all afterward. There’s a quote I love by Henry James that says, “Three things in human life are important: the first is to be kind; the second is to be kind; and the third is to be kind.” It really is as simple as that sometimes.
3. Remember That Even Idiots are Entitled to Opinions: And this is where I struggle most. The idiots. You know how I said that I give most people the benefit of the doubt that their opinions are based on experiences, research and upbringing. There are people who spout nonsense I think for the sole purpose of spouting nonsense. Or just to enrage. Or just to stir the pot. Or just because they are idiots. I have trouble walking away without going off because it seems their opinions don’t have a shred of merit and that they themselves don’t even know why the believe them. But I know that’s exactly what they want. They want to poke the bear. So I won’t engage. But man do I want to sometimes!
So how do you handle a difference of opinions? What advice would you give on how to civily disagree? How do you deal with people who believe that it’s my way or the highway? How do you deal with the idiots?
Talk to me,
~Mavis
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Deborah says
You are awesome! I like your style. We all need to agree to disagree on some things. And the Presidental elections seem to be the main one. I, myself, do not belong to any party. I guess I’d say I’m the lesser of the evils voter. I don’t believe everything anyone says and about half of what I see, in person.
Tami says
I think some of it is that we’re more sensitive to criticism and being questioned. There is this cultural idea that we should always be perfect and right, and we don’t take being questioned very well without being embarrassed or defensive.
Pattie says
well written and to the point ! love your blogs and all your tips and tricks =) ♡
Mrs. D says
Oooo-weee! You cracking open the can of worms today! If there are hot topics to discuss in the workplace I tell my staff “Absolutely no politics OR religion in the workplace!” Does not matter if they agree or disagree, not for the workplace. At home is a different matter. As a family, everyone is entitled to their opinion. That’s what it is. An opinion. Not right, not wrong, an opinion. If it gets out of hand as a parent I’ll step in and say that’s enough, everyone has their own opinion! I try to use the same approach with friends. Opinions only, no right, no wrong. Usually works if I just say we don’t see eye to eye on that. New topic please.
Kristina says
It all begins and ends with kindness. I have pretty firm ideas about lots of things, but when I discuss them, I try to make it in terms of communicating where I’m coming from, how I think and feel, not an attack on how the other person thinks and feels (I’m a work in progress, like everyone else, but I try to be mindful). I also think everyone is entitled to his or her opinion, no matter how stupid I think it is. But no one is entitled to their own facts, which seems to be a lot of where our cultural rift lies. My deal breaker is not so much based on someone’s opinion (I can handle most of those just fine), as a basic aversion to willful ignorance, maintained to support a bias, which there seems to be plenty of in these days of the monetized Balkanization of the internet. Just like in life – your health, your budget, etc, it’s hard to make good decisions if you won’t acknowledge reality, even (especially?) if you don’t like it. That drives me bonkers, but still most of the time I’ll admit I don’t engage. I just let it go if I can’t think of a way to be kind about it.
Laura Z. says
Amen to all of the above. The “monetized Balkanization” of the internet is a real thing, and it is damaging. I wonder how much of this comes from people’s feel as if they are accepted into a group?
Laura Z. says
I meant “need to feel”
Susan S. says
Well said, Mavis! I guess we’re in a day and age where members of both parties feel like the other one started it somehow… I understand that feeling of want to retaliate when you feel wronged, but I do think we always have to give the other person the benefit of the doubt. Assume the best in someone – not the worst. If the politicians could roll model for constituents how to let some of the finger pointing roll off their backs, and enter into a calm discussion with some legitimate compromise taking place, I think we’d all be better off. Heck, my 8 and 10 year olds have to compromise when they disagree, so why shouldn’t we expect the same of adults? I don’t know anyone who gets everything they want all of the time – so why not work together?
Laura Z. says
Good points, Mavis!
A little respect goes a long way. I do think that we aren’t as kind, polite, and respectful and we should be on a day to day basis, and being able to hurl insults from behind the protection of a phone or screen hasn’t helped much. We all miss out on knowing many good people if we only surround ourselves with people who agree with us 100 percent of the time. Of course, I am an independent voter, so maybe I am used to not feeling loyal to a single party’s viewpoint.
There are things I cannot tolerate (racism, etc.) and in conversation I will stand my ground on those sorts of principles to the end as a matter of justice, but I think that trying to understand someone else’s perspective is, in general, a good thing for everyone involved. I have known, for example, many people who voted for Trump because they have been convinced he will return textile jobs to the area, but I also know many voters who voted for Hillary Clinton for the exact same reason. Knowing why someone supports a candidate often reveals shared hopes and fears for the state of the nation.
Any any rate, hearts or minds are not won with anger!!
Sarah says
It’s my experience that people take offense more easily than ever these days.
For example, my husband and I don’t drink except for maybe 1-2 random beer or hard cider cravings a year. People have taken offense to our decline to drink as if it’s a judgement on their drinking. Not so.
We choose to homeschool our kids and most people learning this get defensive about public schools. I homeschool because I want to teach my children right now, not because I dislike other options.
The older I get, the more comfortable and confident I am and the less I’m willing to let offense steal my joy. I wish more people would just rest in their choices and beliefs without seeing opposing views as the enemy.
Valerie says
Hi,
I homeschooled my children my daughter is a geological engineer my son is a electromechanical engineer. When i would mention i homeschooled people got very insulting an overly aggressive on defending schools.
I believe the media has alot to do with the overly sensitive America and lobbyists promoting their agendas.
The co ndition of our nation has people so stressed they look for any outlet to be able to speak. The social media being that outlet, due to the anonymous nature people feel free to spue every hateful thought and attack everyone.
We are a nation desperate for control over what we see happe ning.
I forced myself a while back to stop reading blogs an listening to news, oh what peace came.
I only read the blogs having to do with gardening etc.
Cheri says
Agreed!
Sue says
Well said… I think people watch to much on the national news channels. I personally turned it off along time ago. Since I’m from the Deep South I’m already judged as racist, please don’t judge people because they are from different areas. I know I’m not a racist so it doesn’t offend me anymore. My theory is do unto others as you want to be treated. As a child in church years ago I remember someone saying I’d rather see a sermon than hear one any day. In my circle of friends we have decided not to talk politics. And that goes for football!!! Auburn or Alabama!!!! So, I think we just need to set a good example and show the world who we are!
Mimi says
Hoo boy! I’ll be interested to read the responses to this topic.
I’ve distanced myself from a long time friend who seems to have no tolerance for “liberals” (that’s me). She practically hisses the word and seizes every opportunity to dismiss my point of view as W-R-O-N-G. Okie dokie…I’ll be wrong from a distance.
A member of my weekly craft group gathering became very vocal, offensive even, about religious and political topics. When it was suggested we avoid those topics to keep the peace she proclaimed that she would NOT be muzzled. Sheesh!
Emily says
Interesting read. Something that I have to remind myself of often is the saying…first seek understand. Understanding someone’s perspective, not necessarily agreeing with it, can be helpful.
I’ve read that people “listen” to another primarily for the purpose of responding. Kind of sad.
gina says
After yesterday’s blog, I hope we all take TODAY’S blog to heart. Let’s be friends, people, and accept that everyone is different and if you feel like being snarky, keep it to yourself, umkay? Hugs Mavis!
Tracy says
“How do you deal with the idiots?”
Submitted respectfully: First, I don’t call them idiots, or even think of them as idiots. It’s too easy to view provocateurs or bear-pokers as something inferior. Or worse, something or someone to be dismissed out of hand. And way too easy to adopt a condescending or arrogant posture about whatever subject is being discussed. This isn’t because I’m so ‘evolved’ or have some saint-like tolerance to people who just wish to agitate. It’s because that dismissive term, and others like it, just isn’t constructive to anyone involved, and can feed a fire that does exactly the opposite of create understanding and empathy. Think what our world would be like if we found other countries to have such differing views from ours’ that we characterized their entire populations as ‘idiots’. We might think –oh, I don’t know– that all Mexican immigrants are probably rapists, or those practicing a specific religion are likely to be terrorists. You get the idea. And of course this isn’t what you meant. But this IS how it starts. We just don’t have the luxury to be so dismissive or insulting…even if sometimes we want to throw a book at their heads. We have to, have to, have to, find ways to disarm the violently disagreeing, the relentlessly provoking, and the immature responders, and inspire them to better behavior. Even if we’ll never agree.
Angela D. says
Interesting! I, too, bristled at “the idiots.” I would never use that kind of language in front of my children! Uh….reality check: I ~do~ occasionally say, “People are stupid.” Or, “I hate people.”
It all means the same thing! I really need to watch what comes out of my mouth. And you know, I don’t even mean it–I’m saying those things in jest, not even frustration… more like, “People are people, what are you gonna do?”
Maybe I’ll try to revive the saying: “Different strokes for different folks!”
Cheri says
I once had a male friend with whom I had many intense disagreements. We went at it with science, politics, religion, morality, ethics, education, etc. He was atheist, while I’m a devout Catholic, so you can well imagine how opposite we were in our viewpoints. Once in awhile we had a little tiff, but we always managed to control it and return to a sort of baseline. Although we don’t talk anymore (not because of a discussion gone wrong), I miss talking with him because nobody else seems to be able to have a good conversation like we did without taking major offense or feeling hurt at some point. Our secret, I think, was that neither of us allowed ourselves to be easily offended or too sensitive about anything, because we understood that our discussions were part of but not the substance of our friendship. There was a kind of invisible barrier we maintained that kept discussion and emotion at a respectful distance. I wish more people were like my friend, because such discussions can be so interesting and insightful. Though he seldom changed my mind, I learned a lot from him.
I am no longer very confident about offering differing opinions with anyone after the last few years. I have lost friends for having a different opinion, and I’ve hurt/offended people unintentionally for things I say that I had no idea would be offensive or hurtful. I’ve thought about this a lot, and honestly, I just don’t remember people being as sensitive 10 or 20 years ago as they typically are now. Today, you can hardly say anything without offending someone. Years ago, people usually had more backbone. Maybe before the internet we were just more careful about what we said, so there wasn’t as much cause for offense. Now we can hide behind our screens and forget we’re talking to real people with feelings. A lot of us say things on the internet that we’d never say to their faces. I guess that’s the key to conversing in the digital age–remembering that on the other side is a real person and remembering that what we say in writing doesn’t always carry the light or humorous tone that we actually intend. Body language and facial expressions don’t show up.
Patti says
I think you did a terrific job addressing this topic. I try to respect everyone’s opinion and if I disagree, I keep it to myself or learn more about their opinion. I believe brilliant ideas come together when we work as a team. I think the media stirs up trouble and I agree that some say things on social media they would never have the courage to say to someone’s face. Communication is a skill, a very difficult skill, and I think that old addage “Treat others as you would want to be treated” goes a very long way.
Alison R says
I really try to ask myself these three questions before I say something to someone else:
Is it kind?
Is it necessary?
Is it true?
Deb K says
Number 3 in the list above was pretty brutal. Maybe that is how things get out of control.
Practical Parsimony says
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
Nancy says
Interesting post. I have said so many times during this election cycle that people have lost the ability (or perhaps they never had the ability) to debate. Social media is brutal! I too, Mavis, find it difficult to hold back. I wish when Facebook decided to give options of new emojis they had one for dislike. While Facebook felt it would have been to mean spirited, honestly it may have stopped many of the harsh words people seem to use so easily toward one another. I’v lost a few FB friends for sure during these past couple of months but more importantly than debating I have formed such negative opinions about people who prior to the election I had thought highly of. At the end of the day it’s easier to shut my laptop than to comment.
Brianna says
I don’t have a social media account on any platform and never will, regardless if an employer thinks it is necessary. I use to have a MySpace account in 2005, but my brother passed away suddenly unexpectedly and people I didn’t know and some I did left some terrible, mean, hurtful comments. I went through intense counseling to deal with the grief and the comments (they were that bad!). I lost friends I thought were friends and I dececided to never put myself out there for the toxicity of the internet and callous people again. I totally agree with determining the deal breakers, why surround yourself with toxic people or people you just don’t have anything in common with anymore. People change and some people are in your life for a moment, some for a few years, and some for a lifetime. It is ok to end a friendship. Be kind regardless: I’ve actually had to learn this behavior more as an adult since I was raised with a bit of a stiff upper lip. I’ve had to learn that the notion of people being better or lesser than you is hogwash and to accept others how they are. Yes, you will always encounter the so-called “idiots”, but it doesn’t take a person long to figure out you are talking with an idiot and sometimes it is better to let them just have it their way and move on. Some battles aren’t worth fighting and some idiots are relentless. I usually just listed, maybe add a tidbit or two, but if they keep pursueing their opinion with drama, repetition, inaccuracies, and stirring the pot I kindly remove myself from the situation. I have a father-in-law who falls under the idiot catergory and I keep my interactions minimal with him because he is a toxic idiot Type and deliberately pours salt into old wounds and plays the victim. I am cordial, I have learned not to stand my ground (he is relentless), and I just walk away or busy myself with other things. He is one who you can see turning the gears in his head trying to say something in the most meanest way for a reaction. I think there are just people like that in the world, but they eventually dig their own graves and just let them be. I think schools should teach Speech and Debate again…..maybe even a social media based Speech and Debate.
Shari Harniss says
There were those of us who have, in the past, been especially disappointed in our presidential elections. I endured eight years of putting up with someone who governs in a manner that is the total opposite of myself, in almost every way.
Some members of my family were quite happy during that time. But, here’s the difference between then and now…
We, during those years, did not act like our world was coming to an end. We voiced our objections, concerns and planned on a candidate that would best represent us. We didn’t protest violently, or break the law. We didn’t ask for special privileges just because our side lost.
We were mature and respectful.
And, THAT’S the difference.